If you’re anything like me, you thoroughly enjoy junk food. And not just your run of the mill potato chips and soda. Real, chemically generated, possibly cancer-inducing junk food. Totino’s Pizza Rolls are the epitome of unhealthiness. Uncoincidentally, they are also my favorite snack.

Why would anyone ever be attracted to such a deadly atrocity? They’re a guilty pleasure. No person in his or her right mind enjoys pizza rolls for the immense benefits they provide to one’s health. Pizza rolls are relished because they are quite honestly the grossest creation in the entire world. An inverted pizza with an egg roll-like crust that goes from frosty to piping hot after a mere three minutes in the microwave? This concept is nearly barf-inducing. Somehow, pizza rolls defy the space-time continuum by being both delicious and disgusting.

In the realm of pizza-related snackage, there is a die-hard rivalry between Ore Ida’s Bagel Bites and Totino’s Pizza Rolls. And of course, as with any competition, there are merits to both sides. Bagel Bites are quite tasty and have a greater variety of flavors, but are mundane in that their recipe consists of everyday ingredients. That is to say that one is capable of making a bagel bite in his or her own kitchen. However, a pizza roll cannot be replicated because of its inherent complexity and is just as delicious (if not more) than a bagel bite.

 Though pizza rolls have been called “microwaveable ghost peppers” by Kyle Landis, “kinda soggy” by Lucas Rhondeau, and “mustard-colored sacks filled with putrid meat” by Amalia Garcia, I firmly stand by my belief that they are superior to Bagel Bites. Pizza rolls are a dynamic pizza-themed snack that have caused many to salivate with delight.