Dear college emails,

As of the moment I am writing this, a mere month after receiving my PSAT scores, I have gotten over 100 of you. Awesome! Wow! How unbelievably exciting. Unfortunately, it’s as difficult to relay sarcasm in straight text as it is for me to have any interest in you.

College emails, let me tell you something: you are not influencing me in any way, other than making me slightly more annoyed at my clogged-up inbox. I do not want to sign up to receive the “Free 7 Steps to Any Great College” brochure, nor do I want to take your “A World of Possibilities” College Major Quiz. And seriously, William and Mary, stop sending me emails with the subject line “Olivia, I’m interested in you.” It’s frankly kind of creepy.

I must confess, that if you are trying to get my interest in going to your college, you are thoroughly failing. None of your emails are remotely interesting; they all have the exact same copy-and-paste formula of “you’re so impressive and smart, you need to give us all of your personal information so we can keep sending you information about how great we are.”

I’m not sure you even know how to write something that would be interesting to me, or to any other student. Because what do you know about me? You know my name, my email address,  the fact that I am a white female, and my PSAT scores. Is that really enough for you to define me and decide that I’d be good at your college? You know nothing of my interests, my personality, or even my grades in school. You are simplifying me to this one number, and frankly, it’s kind of insulting. College letters, you are seeing me as a number on a test booklet that might make you look prestigious, and not as a person who is trying to make very important decisions about her future. And the next time I receive an email with a subject line like “Your impressive high school achievements,” I will laugh and then delete it, because I know you don’t have a clue.

Thanks but no thanks,

Olivia