Bigger is Better

by Sam Lesemann

First of all, what even is a chupacabra? I have no idea. The only thing I know about chupacabras is from Scooby doo, because I think they did something on chupacabras one time maybe? I can’t remember. Anyway, no one knows what a chupacabra is. Bigfoot, on the other hand, is a cultural icon. Bigfoot is as American as being fat and rude in foreign countries. We love Bigfoot. There are people who go to school and get degrees in cryptozoology, which is academia speak for studying made up animals. This is the economic equivalent to taking 100,000 dollars, bundling it nicely, and lighting it on fire on your front lawn. A degree in Bigfoot studies is as worthwhile as a flaming pile of money, and there are enough crypto zoologists that they have their own TV shows. We have Bigfoot museums, Bigfoot sculptures, and Bigfoot movies. Bigfoot’s Wikipedia page is more comprehensive than most of the ones that Ian and Matt visited. American’s can’t get enough of Bigfoot.

If, for some reason, it came down to Bigfoot vs. Chupacabra in a one on one fight, Bigfoot would undoubtedly win. For one, Bigfoot has an advantage in size. I still haven’t looked up exactly what a chupacabra is, but Bigfoot is close to 10 feet tall. He has the strength of a comparably sized gorilla, which I don’t have an official measurement for, but rest assured, it’s extremely strong.

Okay, so I finally looked up what a Chupacabra was, and I was not impressed. First of all, no one knows what it looks like. Some people describe it, in the same vein as Scooby doo, as the “Mexican bigfoot”. The picture that I saw made it look like some kind of spiny, bipedal lizard. I was not impressed. Secondly, when would you guess the first time the chupacabra was mentioned? 1900? 1800? Try 1995. And the person who says they saw the Chupacabra described it as the alien from Species. The official explanation for it is that it’s a coyote with rabies. That’s it. I’m not really that passionate about this, but even to me, its obvious that Bigfoot is much better.

“Chu” on This

by Amalia Garcia-Pretelt

Some call it the Bigfoot of Latino culture, the hipster of mythological creatures, or just a wild dog afflicted with mange. It’s a dangerous, bloodsucking monster known to roam areas around Latin America and Texas. Picture a dog infused with a kangaroo, give it scaly green skin and spines, and you have yourself a chupacabra.

Not many people are familiar with the hazardous chupacabra, whose name literally translates to the “goat sucker”. While there are various theories describing its origin, I believe the most definitive account comes from the popular show, Dexter’s Laboratory. In season two, episode 45, Dexter actually creates the chupacabra and releases it into the dense tropical forests of South America. So you can thank Nickelodeon for the existence of this menacing creature. It kills its prey by completely draining the body of blood, leaving only three bite marks and a decrepit carcass. So it’s sort of like a furry vampire, or the Dracula of canines. The chupacabra has even had its debut in academia with the publication of a research book from the University of New Mexico.

Cast aside your fears of Nessie, the Abominable Snowman, and the like because the chupacabra is new, it’s fresh, and it’s here to begin its reign of terror. There’s nothing more terrifying to most Americans than dangerous immigrants, and that is exactly what the chupacabra is. It has crossed the border into American territory to instill fear in the lives of many throughout the country. This relatively new beast is on its way to surpassing the legend of Bigfoot. When people hear the name “Bigfoot”, it doesn’t really sound particularly menacing. You know who else has a big foot? Julia Elder, and she’s not what I would call a terrifying monster (for the most part). Bigfoot is almost a laughing matter amongst the “hip” teens of today, but most people, upon learning about the chupacabra, are amazed and slightly confused.

I’m probably not as passionate about this topic as Sam, so I don’t have as much to say. But I do know that the rise of the chupacabra is coming soon, so prepare yourself for hour-long CNN segments on the perils of this legendary animal.